26th May; the date that I have been dreading for a while now but I’m glad it’s over and I am very satisfied with my results. My results are not tip top, neither are they satisfactory either but I am still very pleased.
Only Allah knows how much I’ve sacrificed this semester with very little sleep and staying up all alone in the living room every single night trying to get things into my head, writing notes, looking up journal articles, writing the dreadful 2k word essays, finalizing the report and making sure that everything is done perfectly.
Amidst all that, I was thrown into one of my biggest setbacks in life where I am hit by the reality that my best is never good enough. I realised that no matter how much effort you put into your assignments, no matter how late you sleep, if you don’t get the key concepts right, you will never pass the assignments.
Of course, my motivation level dropped down to rock bottom to the point where I don’t even want to look at my books anymore and I had so much thoughts of quitting school. I kept telling myself that I’m a full time student and my only task in life was to do well but even then, I can’t even achieve that.
I honestly don’t know what I’d do without friends who are always encouraging me and running through this race together. I don’t have that many friends who are always supporting me and giving me the support but I am always very thankful for the handful of them, be it those who are of the same major as me and those who are not.
I’m 3/4 through my journey now and I know that I will be strong enough to complete this journey. I may not be the best student but I will try do my best as a student and fight this battle within myself. I just have one more semester to go, so please hang in there, dear self.
It’s hard. It’s really hard when you sacrificed so much for something but results say otherwise. At times like this, especially when I have fallen twice, I am really at the verge of giving everything up and letting everything go. I am this close to quitting everything because it feels so worthless. All the sleepless nights spent doing those things mean nothing when your results don’t depict the way you want it to. Nothing works the way I want it to be anymore, nothing is going well, nothing is falling into place.
I’m afraid of trying already. I’m afraid of another failure. I’m afraid of another rejection. What should I do?
What does self satisfaction mean to oneself?
“I don’t know, I haven’t found mine yet. I’ll let you know when I have found out the aspect in life that satisfies me the most.”
Having alone time with myself makes me stop and think about myself for a while. I love having alone time to myself, be it just a simple bus ride to school, having the house all to myself for a while, walking in the park alone, going to the nearby shops and things like that. I’m not lonely, I just like to be by myself. Is that weird?
The funny thing is, these kinds of questions start to appear in my thoughts without me realising it everytime I plug my earpiece in and look out of the window. Have I been good to the people around me? Am I good enough for everyone? What do others think of me? Do people actually like being by my side? Do they think about me as much as I think about them?
I don’t know, have I?